Question:
Ditto. mikey.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – He told me the first time, and again this time it didn’t matter to him one way or the other. The most important thing to him is that when it was all over with, no matter what had to happen, is that I was still here with him. [...] He told me shortly after my surgery last year, when I was really getting so tired about this whole entire adventure we were on again "you’re not your breasts, or your hair, this body is just a shell, who you really are is inside, not on the outside" Yes, this is the heart of it. I didn’t fall in love and marry her because of her gorgeous bod and come-hither looks (although they sure didn’t hurt), it was because of her warmth, and her fire, and her laughter. None of that has changed. Thanks, Annie.
Response:
I couldn’t find your original post {I’m on webtv/not showing up here} I saw parts of it cut/pasted into another of the posts here. But I was just going to make a comment about what you said about having a "Wilms Tumor" when you were a kid. My cousin also had that as a young girl {15 at the time/mid 40’s now} She was treated with something they called cobalt {similair to rads?} She however didn’t loose her kidney as a result of the cancer. They also treated her for nodules in her lung as well. Take care there dear I’m very sorry to hear that it has caused you to miscarry. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless Annie Ultimately…..we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. "Courage"…is *fear* that has said it’s prayers.
Response:
Now that her prognosis seems hopeful, and we (or at least I) have gotten past the fears of imminent death, one scary part that remains is the question of where the hell this cancer came from. To my wife’s knowledge, cancer doesn’t run in her family, so it came as quite a surprise. And now I worry about our teenage daughter; is she at a greater risk for cancer at a young age? Damn; what an inheritance to pass on.
Don’t knock yourself out trying to figure out where it came from. The potential for cancer is present in all of us, it’s really better to regard it as like a random part of the aging process rather than like an infectious disease that has a traceable cause. Even when all the known hereditary, environmental, racial and lifestyle factors are taken into account, it only explains about 30% of the cancers that happen. The rest is completely random to the best knowledge of medical science. As for heredity, without genetic testing, it is only reckoned that there is evidence of an inherited tendency to breast cancer only if it has occurred in three generations, so there is no reason to worry about your daughter. Tim Jackson
Response:
Just what I think,looks are not everything, its who you are,i just want my wife with me and in good health. mikey.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – There’s really not much I can add to those that have already posted back to you. I just wanted to let you know that this is all very new right now, and does indeed take some getting used to.. this is not easy by any stretch of anyone’s imagination. I’m in this mess for a second time. I was origianlly dx in 1999. I had a lumpectomy, radiation and chemo the first time. Prior to my recurrence showing up I had an infection in the breast from Feb-May of 02. "Group B Strep} I had it aspirated every week during that time period so my bc surgeon could get samples for cultures for path work..to monitor the effectiveness of the anti-biotics I was on. This left the breast very malformed, which translates to a very big dent. But like I told people "it’s not like I started out with Raquel Welches TaTa’s to begin with, soooo not a big deal really" But obviously you still concern yourself with what am I going to look like after this? Unfortunately, It’s such a "looks" oriented society we live in…you really can’t get away from feeling like this unless you really work hard at it. The recurrence showed up in 11/02.. I had surgery, a modified radical mastectomy, and immediate recon. On 6/6/03 I just finished doing 6 months of chemotherapy. {4 rounds of AC and another 4 rounds Taxotere} I worried about what I would look like after this was over, and what my hubby would think when he saw me. I’m still not finished with the recon..as chemo had to get in there first. So I do look abit mis-shapen to say the least. {one that I call my "perky 30 year old boob" one and one that’s still 53 years old, and heading south on vacation} This I hope will be resolved shortly..at least by the end of the year we’re hoping. This is if my HMO will co-operate with us about additional surgery I’m requesting. I’m requesting a prophylactic mastectomy for medical reasons/which has turned into quite an issue with the HMO. My hubby and I have been married almost 30 years and have 3 kids and 7 grandchildren. I suppose that might make a bit of difference in the way you look at things of this nature. He told me the first time, and again this time it didn’t matter to him one way or the other. The most important thing to him is that when it was all over with, no matter what had to happen, is that I was still here with him. This time the poor guy is dealing with me with no hair, no eyelashes, and no eyebrows, and a mis-shapen set of TaTa’s to boot. I’ve nick named myself "alien lady" cute, huh? Better then "Mrs. Clean" I thought, everyone’s using that one…lol! He told me shortly after my surgery last year, when I was really getting so tired about this whole entire adventure we were on again "you’re not your breasts, or your hair, this body is just a shell, who you really are is inside, not on the outside" Who we are has not a thing to do with what we look like…it’s who we are as a person. And that’s all tucked away inside, and it’s only seen by those that know us the best, and love us the most. You’ve come to a great group of people. We will be here when you or your wife need us. Post often if you need to, and share so we can help you get through this. Good luck to you both.Take care there/God bless you both annie p/s sorry for the mini-series length post Ultimately…..we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. "Courage"…is *fear* that has said it’s prayers.
Response:
He told me the first time, and again this time it didn’t matter to him one way or the other. The most important thing to him is that when it was all over with, no matter what had to happen, is that I was still here with him. [...] He told me shortly after my surgery last year, when I was really getting so tired about this whole entire adventure we were on again "you’re not your breasts, or your hair, this body is just a shell, who you really are is inside, not on the outside"
Yes, this is the heart of it. I didn’t fall in love and marry her because of her gorgeous bod and come-hither looks (although they sure didn’t hurt), it was because of her warmth, and her fire, and her laughter. None of that has changed. Thanks, Annie.
Response:
Hi Guitar, Welcome to the group, no-one likes to be in.
Thank you. I myself am only 34 and was diagnosed last Sept. I had a mastectomy chemo and have just finished my 3wks of radiotherapy. So i understand how your wife must be feeling.
Boy, this all really sucks. But I am glad it’s not worse, and I am very grateful for the sympathy which everyone here has expressed. Thanks, everyone. Now that her prognosis seems hopeful, and we (or at least I) have gotten past the fears of imminent death, one scary part that remains is the question of where the hell this cancer came from. To my wife’s knowledge, cancer doesn’t run in her family, so it came as quite a surprise. And now I worry about our teenage daughter; is she at a greater risk for cancer at a young age? Damn; what an inheritance to pass on. Your wife probably feels the same as you (not very sexy, after all shes been through!) Give her time, i know i need time to feel like a desirable woman again! Have you spoken to her about how you feel?
Yes, some. But not much. It has been a while since we have taken the time to have a long talk – the day-to-day routine can get so busy! We can usually find a few moments in the evening to talk, but I think we really need a night out without the kids soon. Just be grateful that you still have your wife and 3 lovely children. I myself was not so fortunate! I lost 3 babies through miscarries. I am unable to carry them to full term, due to my cancer treatment i had as a child,(Wilms Tumour, kidney removed).
I’m so sorry to hear of your losses. I do feel very fortunate – I have had an easy life, never been poor, never lost anyone close to me before their time. I have good friends, a wonderful family, and of course the love of my life. So I guess I’m not used to any kind of pain or suffering. 
Response:
<< I understand your problem. When my wife elected to have a bilateral mastectomy, I kind of took my cue from the following. TRUE LOVE OF THOMAS MOORE by Galen Drake Wow–thanks for sharing!
Response:
There’s really not much I can add to those that have already posted back to you. I just wanted to let you know that this is all very new right now, and does indeed take some getting used to.. this is not easy by any stretch of anyone’s imagination. I’m in this mess for a second time. I was origianlly dx in 1999. I had a lumpectomy, radiation and chemo the first time. Prior to my recurrence showing up I had an infection in the breast from Feb-May of 02. "Group B Strep} I had it aspirated every week during that time period so my bc surgeon could get samples for cultures for path work..to monitor the effectiveness of the anti-biotics I was on. This left the breast very malformed, which translates to a very big dent. But like I told people "it’s not like I started out with Raquel Welches TaTa’s to begin with, soooo not a big deal really" But obviously you still concern yourself with what am I going to look like after this? Unfortunately, It’s such a "looks" oriented society we live in…you really can’t get away from feeling like this unless you really work hard at it. The recurrence showed up in 11/02.. I had surgery, a modified radical mastectomy, and immediate recon. On 6/6/03 I just finished doing 6 months of chemotherapy. {4 rounds of AC and another 4 rounds Taxotere} I worried about what I would look like after this was over, and what my hubby would think when he saw me. I’m still not finished with the recon..as chemo had to get in there first. So I do look abit mis-shapen to say the least. {one that I call my "perky 30 year old boob" one and one that’s still 53 years old, and heading south on vacation} This I hope will be resolved shortly..at least by the end of the year we’re hoping. This is if my HMO will co-operate with us about additional surgery I’m requesting. I’m requesting a prophylactic mastectomy for medical reasons/which has turned into quite an issue with the HMO. My hubby and I have been married almost 30 years and have 3 kids and 7 grandchildren. I suppose that might make a bit of difference in the way you look at things of this nature. He told me the first time, and again this time it didn’t matter to him one way or the other. The most important thing to him is that when it was all over with, no matter what had to happen, is that I was still here with him. This time the poor guy is dealing with me with no hair, no eyelashes, and no eyebrows, and a mis-shapen set of TaTa’s to boot. I’ve nick named myself "alien lady" cute, huh? Better then "Mrs. Clean" I thought, everyone’s using that one…lol! He told me shortly after my surgery last year, when I was really getting so tired about this whole entire adventure we were on again "you’re not your breasts, or your hair, this body is just a shell, who you really are is inside, not on the outside" Who we are has not a thing to do with what we look like…it’s who we are as a person. And that’s all tucked away inside, and it’s only seen by those that know us the best, and love us the most. You’ve come to a great group of people. We will be here when you or your wife need us. Post often if you need to, and share so we can help you get through this. Good luck to you both.Take care there/God bless you both annie p/s sorry for the mini-series length post Ultimately…..we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. "Courage"…is *fear* that has said it’s prayers.
Response:
Hi Guitar, Welcome to the group, no-one likes to be in. I myself am only 34 and was diagnosed last Sept. I had a mastectomy chemo and have just finished my 3wks of radiotherapy. So i understand how your wife must be feeling. My Husband has been so understanding about everything, he doesn’t pressure me at all. He is waiting till i feel ready. He says that my appearance now, doesn’t make me any less desirable. Sex isn’t all there is to a marriage anyway, but time is a great healer! Your wife probably feels the same as you (not very sexy, after all shes been through!) Give her time, i know i need time to feel like a desirable woman again! Have you spoken to her about how you feel? Just be grateful that you still have your wife and 3 lovely children. I myself was not so fortunate! I lost 3 babies through miscarries. I am unable to carry them to full term, due to my cancer treatment i had as a child,(Wilms Tumour, kidney removed). So PLEASE, think of what you yourself have got and count your blessings! There are lots of others, including myself, that are not so blessed as you obviously are. Apprieciate your wife for who she is and not what she looks like, at the moment. After all, isn’t that what marriage is about? I hope in time you will get back to normal and spend the rest of your life happily together. Good Luck! Take care, Shaz x
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – First, welcome to the group where none of wants to be. I am sorry that our connection with you is through this dreaded ‘beast’ (yes, ‘beast’ not ‘breast). I would like to suggest you contact a counselor who specializes in this area to help both you and your wife as soon as possible. I have been fortunate in that my husband let me know immediately that he found me desirable (10 days after having a bilateral mastectomy–I still remember 
This is the third attempt I am making to answer your post. I was knocked off-line twice before–am sure it’s an aol glitch–my turn ‘today’ but also see it as an opportunity to go beyond my initial reaction I do not want to discount your feelings. We all respond differently and men are more influenced by visual stimuli. However, this area can be so much further enhanced through exploration of other areas of sensuality–i.e. olfactory (different scents), touch, and through emotions, including spirituality. Some cultures forbid lovemaking without covering of the body parts related to the act of making love as well as restrict time allowed for this (i.e. Orthodox Judaism–requires body parts to be covered and does not allow love-making during certain times of the month). From what I have read and been told–the mystery surrounding those restrictions alone heightens their feelings and levels of satisfaction. (Time restrictions were also thought to cut down on potential medical-related difficulties and more importantly (at one time) increase fertility). There is so much more to satisfaction from the intimacy of love-making than the visual alone. Each of us comes to this, however, from a different perspective and ‘baseline.’ From what you describe, it sounds as if you need to explore these different avenues which, surprisingly, should greatly increase your fulfillment in this area–which it would most likely have even done if your wife never had b.c. to begin with. I know my husband is affected by the results of my surgery. I am too. One way to look at it is that it has giving her/me a second chance at life–if one can get beyond the physical. Because I know that my husband is affected by it–often times I wear my bra with prostheses–which looks and feels quite ‘real’ (even though it is not the same and does limit what one might do with it). Personally, though, I can still feel the same or at least similar pleasurable feelings in that area when pressure is placed in that area from on top of my bra. Sure, it isn’t the same thing. Right now you are probably feeling alot of conflicting emotions–including fear and even possibly ‘disgust’ (not necessarily over the actual physical appearance) but what the whole experience of breast cancer represents and what it has the potential to become. Some of your fears might include anger, fear of abandonment, helplessness, feelings of being overwhelmed, guilt, a need to share what is going on but at same time holding back because of what your wife is dealing with as well and not wanting to further burden her. Again, from a personal female perspective, it is/was important to me to know that my husband still needed/needs me in the same ways as before. Of course, the experience of b.c. alone changes us–and there is no way that things can be exactly the same. However, it is a time for personal growth, too. One thing that helped my husband and I was a book sent to me by a friend. KITCHEN TABLE WISDOM, by Rachel Remen (Reiman?), M.D. It is a series of short inspirational stories. I read aloud these aloud to my husband on the way to many of my dr.’s appt’s soon after diagnosis. It was a springboard to sharing intimacy, and sometimes lead to further discussion. Often times, there was no need to further discuss–the stories alone brought about increased feelings of shared inspiration and intimacy. My best thoughts are with you and your wife at this difficult time. She so very much needs you in ways that you have not had a chance to experience. Use this time now to grow beyond the superficiality of limited sensuality from only one sensual source. Again, I am in no way denying the importance of its immediate impact but only letting you know there is so much more. Breast cancer is so unfair–especially when it makes its ugly appearance in women so young. Learn all you can about it so that you can be your wife’s advocate. Look at different ways you can work together as a team–with her as well as with her physicians. Involve your whole family from a positive perspective–take part in activities such as the "Relay for Life." Check into available resources such as the "Wellness Center" and programs through the American Cancer Society. Also make sure that there is time away from breast cancer–for you, your wife, and your children. Use this time now to grow and become the best you can be in ways that you have not yet explored. It can be done and the rewards will be beyond what you had never imagined or even thought possible, not only for yourself but for your wife and family. Again, my best thoughts and prayers to you all. {{{Hugs}}}
Response:
<< Plus, anesthetics make her nauseous, which she really, really loathes. I also used to get quite nauseous with anesthesia. However, after having gone through chemo with successful anti-nausea treatment, upon someone’s recommendation (not sure whom) I asked if I could have an anti-nausea medication (Zofran–which I had before chem) with the anesthesia. They agreed. I was fine when I woke up—first time ever I awoke after being ‘under’ without that horrid feeling one experiences as they ‘wake up’ after surgery.
Response:
Kaye, thank you for your thoughts!
Response:
Ann, Yah, it’s been only 12 weeks. Your description sounds a lot like what she’s going through right now. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – That was all a year ago now, and I look and feel quite normal. There is a scar near my arm and on the breast, even the indentation where they removed bopsy and surgical tissue has pulled together a little and isn’t as deep (looks like a very small golf divot!) I feel OK with it now, and that has encouraged my hsuband too, I think. [...] Try to talk when she seems to want to. Perhaps it’d be ok to tell her you’re worried about hurting her, or saying the wrong thing, and see how she responds. Counseling is a neutral ground to help you get started talking too. She will quite probably look normal again, with maybe a small divot or so, if indeed she had a lumpectomy. As the others said, looking normal isn’t important in love, but I know how the mind plays games. Try to get out of the game by talking it over together or with counselor. And watch how not only communication, but even looks improve. It does take about a year for healing to complete, for me anyway – no more redness at all…
Wow, that’s really encouraging! I hope I will be able to report the same in a year. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Response:
More surgery? Yipes! She wouldn’t stand for it. She had three surgeries, two months apart, and by the end not only was she hurting a lot, but she was thoroughly sick of healing only to be cut open again along almost the exact same seam. Plus, anesthetics make her nauseous, which she really, really loathes.
Whoops, my mistake. The procedures weren’t two MONTHS apart — they were two WEEKS apart. Not sure if that’s better, or worse.
Response:
Don’t feel that this is a abnormal response. You are normal. But you are also human. Unlike animals, the human mind allows us to look beyond the physical and connect mentally. It sounds like you need a "mind tuneup". Get some help and you will feel better about what has happened to her. She is not your toy. She is not broke. Don’t give up on her…ever. She has the best kind of this disease and she will soon be back. What you do now will always be remembered and if you give her enough hugs and encouragement…will be appreciated. Things will get better and soon from the sounds of it. Joe Joe
Response:
Tim said it very well indeed. There’s one little bit I’d add. If you give it a little time and it doesn’t get better for you, you might want to consult a professional to counsel. I wish you the best.
Thank you, Barb. Like I mentioned to Joe, I’ll keep it in mind.
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello everyone, I’m new to this group so please forgive me if I stumble over netiquette issues. My wife has breast cancer. I don’t remember the medical terms but it’s in her ducts and the doctor said it’s the most common type. She has had surgery to remove cancerous tissue in one breast, and some of her lymph nodes. She is in the tail end of a six-week-long radiation treatment, which is to be followed by five years of tamoxifen. She’s 36, and the doctor says that the reason they want to do such aggressive treatment is exactly because she’s so young – they want to make sure it doesn’t recur. All in all, I gather that hers seems to be a pretty successful case, as breast cancer cases go. I have every confidence that the doctor is doing what needs to be done. I am writing this post not because I am concerned for her life or her health, but because I am concerned about our marriage. To be blunt, I am afraid that I won’t be able to resume a normal sexual life with her because I am having a hard time with her changed appearance since her surgery. Her breast has big scars and is misshapen due to the tissue removal, and at present the whole area is also all bruised up and discolored from the radiation treatment. When I see her this way it is very hard for me to feel physical desire. I have never been good with blood or surgical procedures, and seeing her scarred breast actually makes me a little queasy. I love her dearly – we have been married more than 10 years and have three children together. She is everything to me. I feel so ashamed and angry at myself for not being able to get past her appearance. And I know that this isn’t even a really bad situation – I know people who are much worse off, and I feel guilty about whining over a relatively minor thing. But I can’t help it, this is how I feel. I hate it. I don’t know what to do, how to change myself to get over these feelings. Can anyone offer any advice? I sure need some.
I understand your problem. When my wife elected to have a bilateral mastectomy, I kind of took my cue from the following. TRUE LOVE OF THOMAS MOORE by Galen Drake My favorite love story is also a true one. Soon after he was married, Thomas Moore, the famous 19th century Irish poet, was called away on a business trip. Upon his return he was met at the door, not by his beautiful bride, but by the family doctor. "Your wife is upstairs," said the doctor. "But she asked that you not come up." And then Moore learned the terrible truth; his wife had contracted small pox. The disease had left her once flawless skin pocked and scarred. She had taken one look at her reflection in the mirror and commanded that the shutters be drawn and that her husband never see her again. Moore would not listen. He ran upstairs and threw open the door of his wife’s room. It was black as night inside. Not a sound came from the darkness. Groping along the wall, Moore felt for the gas jets. A startled cry came from a black corner of the room. "No! Don’t light the lamps!" Moore hesitated, swayed by the pleading in the voice. "Go!" she begged. "Please go! This is the greatest gift I can give you now." Moore did go. He went down to his study, where he sat up most of the night, prayerfully writing. Not a poem this time, but a song. He had never written a song before, but now he found it more natural to his mood than simple poetry. He not only wrote the words, but he wrote the music too. And the next morning, as soon as the sun was up he returned to his wife’s room. He felt his way to a chair and sat down. "Are you awake?" he asked. "I am," came a voice from the far side of the room. "But you must not ask to see me. You must not press me, Thomas." "I will sing to you, then," he answered. And so for the first time, Thomas Moore sang to his wife the song that still lives today: Believe me, if all those endearing young charms, Which I gaze on so fondly today, Were to change by tomorrow and fleet in my arms, Like fairy gifts fading away, Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art — Let thy loveliness fade as it will, Moore heard a movement from the dark corner where his wife lay in her loneliness, waiting. He continued. Let thy loveliness fade as it will, And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart Would entwine itself verdantly still — The song ended. As his voice trailed off on the last note, Moore heard his bride rise. She crossed the room to the window, reached up and slowly drew open the shutters. Believe me, if all those endearing young charms Which I gaze on so fondly today Were to change by tomorrow and fleet in my arms Like fairy gifts fading away, Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art Let thy loveliness fade as it will, And around the dear ruin, each wish of my heart Would entwine itself verdantly still. It is not while beauty and youth are thine own, And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear, That the fervor and faith of a soul may be known To which time will but make thee more dear! No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets But as truly loves on to close, As the sunflower turns on her god when he sets The same look which she turned when he rose. Thomas Moore
Response:
This is difficult both for you and for her. At first she is going.to feel that no-one would want her looking like this, and you are going to feel turned off by her mutilation. BUT these feelings can pass and desire will return. You will both get used to her new shape in time, and more easily once the bruising goes down. Please don’t feel ashamed of how your body reacts, this is perfectly natural, but do give it time to come to terms with the situation. The thing to feel ashamed of would be walking away from her when she needs you most, just for lack of patience.
Tim, thank you for the encouragement. I guess time and patience are really the key for me. You can do this. You didn’t marry her tits. We all age and suffer attrition to our bodies, at 36 we try not to think about it but it is there and it happens and we will have to face it sooner or later. She is still the same woman.
You’re right. I didn’t marry her tits (nice though they were). In everything else outside of bed, she’s no different than before. Look at the other one. It’s cute and sexy.
I laughed when I read this, because the doctor actually removed some tissue from the other side too, partly to get a biopsy there and partly to "even things out" so she wouldn’t look lopsided. Her nipple on that side went from a little downward-pointing to perkier than when she was a teenager! I am, actually, in awe of her toughness. Even though I know she must be wiped out from the radiation treatment, she is still carrying on more or less as she always does, with the only difference being that she takes a few more naps than before, and is currently complaining a little about the radiation burns. She has a much higher pain threshold than I do, and is (I think) more emotionally stable than me as well. She told me that when her doctor first told her that the biopsy had come back with a cancer detection, the doctor and her assistant left her alone for a few minutes, presumably so she could cry in private. Not my wife. She sat there twiddling her thumbs, patiently waiting for them to come back and finish the conversation and tell her what her options were. I, on the other hand, probably would have fallen apart just as they expected.
Response:
Don’t feel that this is a abnormal response. You are normal. But you are also human. Unlike animals, the human mind allows us to look beyond the physical and connect mentally. It sounds like you need a "mind tuneup". Get some help and you will feel better about what has happened to her. She is not your toy. She is not broke. Don’t give up on her…ever. She has the best kind of this disease and she will soon be back. What you do now will always be remembered and if you give her enough hugs and encouragement…will be appreciated. Things will get better and soon from the sounds of it.
Thanks, Joe. I have not had a chance to talk frankly to anyone about this and it’s a relief just to be able to put these words together on the screen. I know that this phase is only a short time compared to the decades that I expect and hope we will share in the future. I don’t know if I need professional help right now but I’ll keep it in mind just in case.
Response:
My husband was great during my experience. I had a masatectomy about 8 years ago and was pretty horrified when I first saw the scars. I found that candles and some lacy little number did a great deal to help me feel sexy again. It’s hard for both of you but it can be overcome. As time passes you’ll get used to her new appearance.
Thanks, Lisa. I am sure you’re right, it’s just hard to believe emotionally right now. Time will tell. There’s always plactic surgery to make things look better if you choose to go that route.
More surgery? Yipes! She wouldn’t stand for it. She had three surgeries, two months apart, and by the end not only was she hurting a lot, but she was thoroughly sick of healing only to be cut open again along almost the exact same seam. Plus, anesthetics make her nauseous, which she really, really loathes.
Response:
"But I can’t help it, this is how I feel. I hate it. I don’t know what to do, how to change myself to get over these feelings. Can anyone offer any advice? I sure need some.
Tim said it very well indeed. There’s one little bit I’d add. If you give it a little time and it doesn’t get better for you, you might want to consult a professional to counsel. I wish you the best. Barb
Response:
Tim said it very well indeed.
Yes, indeed and as one who has been there, he sure knows his stuff. My husband was great during my experience. I had a masatectomy about 8 years ago and was pretty horrified when I first saw the scars. I found that candles and some lacy little number did a great deal to help me feel sexy again. It’s hard for both of you but it can be overcome. As time passes you’ll get used to her new appearance. There’s always plactic surgery to make things look better if you choose to go that route. Good luck. Take care. …lisa
Response:
First, welcome to the group where none of wants to be. I am sorry that our connection with you is through this dreaded ‘beast’ (yes, ‘beast’ not ‘breast). I would like to suggest you contact a counselor who specializes in this area to help both you and your wife as soon as possible. I have been fortunate in that my husband let me know immediately that he found me desirable (10 days after having a bilateral mastectomy–I still remember This is the third attempt I am making to answer your post. I was knocked off-line twice before–am sure it’s an aol glitch–my turn ‘today’ but also see it as an opportunity to go beyond my initial reaction I do not want to discount your feelings. We all respond differently and men are more influenced by visual stimuli. However, this area can be so much further enhanced through exploration of other areas of sensuality–i.e. olfactory (different scents), touch, and through emotions, including spirituality. Some cultures forbid lovemaking without covering of the body parts related to the act of making love as well as restrict time allowed for this (i.e. Orthodox Judaism–requires body parts to be covered and does not allow love-making during certain times of the month). From what I have read and been told–the mystery surrounding those restrictions alone heightens their feelings and levels of satisfaction. (Time restrictions were also thought to cut down on potential medical-related difficulties and more importantly (at one time) increase fertility). There is so much more to satisfaction from the intimacy of love-making than the visual alone. Each of us comes to this, however, from a different perspective and ‘baseline.’ From what you describe, it sounds as if you need to explore these different avenues which, surprisingly, should greatly increase your fulfillment in this area–which it would most likely have even done if your wife never had b.c. to begin with. I know my husband is affected by the results of my surgery. I am too. One way to look at it is that it has giving her/me a second chance at life–if one can get beyond the physical. Because I know that my husband is affected by it–often times I wear my bra with prostheses–which looks and feels quite ‘real’ (even though it is not the same and does limit what one might do with it). Personally, though, I can still feel the same or at least similar pleasurable feelings in that area when pressure is placed in that area from on top of my bra. Sure, it isn’t the same thing. Right now you are probably feeling alot of conflicting emotions–including fear and even possibly ‘disgust’ (not necessarily over the actual physical appearance) but what the whole experience of breast cancer represents and what it has the potential to become. Some of your fears might include anger, fear of abandonment, helplessness, feelings of being overwhelmed, guilt, a need to share what is going on but at same time holding back because of what your wife is dealing with as well and not wanting to further burden her. Again, from a personal female perspective, it is/was important to me to know that my husband still needed/needs me in the same ways as before. Of course, the experience of b.c. alone changes us–and there is no way that things can be exactly the same. However, it is a time for personal growth, too. One thing that helped my husband and I was a book sent to me by a friend. KITCHEN TABLE WISDOM, by Rachel Remen (Reiman?), M.D. It is a series of short inspirational stories. I read aloud these aloud to my husband on the way to many of my dr.’s appt’s soon after diagnosis. It was a springboard to sharing intimacy, and sometimes lead to further discussion. Often times, there was no need to further discuss–the stories alone brought about increased feelings of shared inspiration and intimacy. My best thoughts are with you and your wife at this difficult time. She so very much needs you in ways that you have not had a chance to experience. Use this time now to grow beyond the superficiality of limited sensuality from only one sensual source. Again, I am in no way denying the importance of its immediate impact but only letting you know there is so much more. Breast cancer is so unfair–especially when it makes its ugly appearance in women so young. Learn all you can about it so that you can be your wife’s advocate. Look at different ways you can work together as a team–with her as well as with her physicians. Involve your whole family from a positive perspective–take part in activities such as the "Relay for Life." Check into available resources such as the "Wellness Center" and programs through the American Cancer Society. Also make sure that there is time away from breast cancer–for you, your wife, and your children. Use this time now to grow and become the best you can be in ways that you have not yet explored. It can be done and the rewards will be beyond what you had never imagined or even thought possible, not only for yourself but for your wife and family. Again, my best thoughts and prayers to you all. {{{Hugs}}}
Response:
My opinion, YMMV: It has probably only been 3 months or so since surgery? I had a lumpectomy, which sounds like what your wife had. It looked so ugly I wouldn’t undress around my husband, and wouldn’t go to the pool or anywhere else with common showers etc. I was bruised gtpm botched biopsy, swollen from lymphedema in that arm, even tho only 9 nodes were taken, and have punch scar from biopsy as well as a 2" cut near the nipple, and a 6" or so cut under the front of that arm for nodes. They oozed and were red all thru my chemo, as things don’t heal too well during chemo. I thought I’d never feel whole again! After they’d healed enough for radiation, I’d just begun to feel sort of OK with myself, still couldn’t undress in front of hubby, tho he was totally fine with it, I was like you are, embarrassed, afraid, whatever. Then came radiation, with more swelling, some bruising, the scars stood out more, etc. I felt abused again, but no pain, just mental pain. That was all a year ago now, and I look and feel quite normal. There is a scar near my arm and on the breast, even the indentation where they removed bopsy and surgical tissue has pulled together a little and isn’t as deep (looks like a very small golf divot!) I feel OK with it now, and that has encouraged my hsuband too, I think. Perhaps your wife is also feeling as you are, and can’t share it with you as I couldn’t with my husband. We finally had the chance during a phone call about someone else with cancer to talk it thru (funny how its easier to talk about difficult subjects on the phone, or even email!) Try to talk when she seems to want to. Perhaps it’d be ok to tell her you’re worried about hurting her, or saying the wrong thing, and see how she responds. Counseling is a neutral ground to help you get started talking too. She will quite probably look normal again, with maybe a small divot or so, if indeed she had a lumpectomy. As the others said, looking normal isn’t important in love, but I know how the mind plays games. Try to get out of the game by talking it over together or with counselor. And watch how not only communication, but even looks improve. It does take about a year for healing to complete, for me anyway – no more redness at all… Ann in PA
Response:
Hello everyone, I’m new to this group so please forgive me if I stumble over netiquette issues. My wife has breast cancer. I don’t remember the medical terms but it’s in her ducts and the doctor said it’s the most common type. She has had surgery to remove cancerous tissue in one breast, and some of her lymph nodes. She is in the tail end of a six-week-long radiation treatment, which is to be followed by five years of tamoxifen. She’s 36, and the doctor says that the reason they want to do such aggressive treatment is exactly because she’s so young – they want to make sure it doesn’t recur. All in all, I gather that hers seems to be a pretty successful case, as breast cancer cases go. I have every confidence that the doctor is doing what needs to be done. I am writing this post not because I am concerned for her life or her health, but because I am concerned about our marriage. To be blunt, I am afraid that I won’t be able to resume a normal sexual life with her because I am having a hard time with her changed appearance since her surgery. Her breast has big scars and is misshapen due to the tissue removal, and at present the whole area is also all bruised up and discolored from the radiation treatment. When I see her this way it is very hard for me to feel physical desire. I have never been good with blood or surgical procedures, and seeing her scarred breast actually makes me a little queasy. I love her dearly – we have been married more than 10 years and have three children together. She is everything to me. I feel so ashamed and angry at myself for not being able to get past her appearance. And I know that this isn’t even a really bad situation – I know people who are much worse off, and I feel guilty about whining over a relatively minor thing. But I can’t help it, this is how I feel. I hate it. I don’t know what to do, how to change myself to get over these feelings. Can anyone offer any advice? I sure need some.
Response:
Look at the other one. It’s cute and sexy. This is difficult both for you and for her. At first she is going.to feel that no-one would want her looking like this, and you are going to feel turned off by her mutilation. BUT these feelings can pass and desire will return. You will both get used to her new shape in time, and more easily once the bruising goes down. Please don’t feel ashamed of how your body reacts, this is perfectly natural, but do give it time to come to terms with the situation. The thing to feel ashamed of would be walking away from her when she needs you most, just for lack of patience. Once upon a time it was a hot day and we found ourselves passing a bridge where the river had been dredged to make a bathing area. On impulse we stopped, stripped to minimal clothes and took a dip. As we swam and played in the water I realised that the sight of her one large braless breast floating under her thin wet blouse was seriously turning me on, and I really wanted to make love to her there and then. Unfortunately this was a family trip, so "not in front of the children" and I had to wait. I suppose it took me about six months to get used enough to the scarring where her left breast used to be that I would caress it when we made love. It took her longer to accept it. You can do this. You didn’t marry her tits. We all age and suffer attrition to our bodies, at 36 we try not to think about it but it is there and it happens and we will have to face it sooner or later. She is still the same woman. Good luck Tim Jackson
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello everyone, I’m new to this group so please forgive me if I stumble over netiquette issues. My wife has breast cancer. I don’t remember the medical terms but it’s in her ducts and the doctor said it’s the most common type. She has had surgery to remove cancerous tissue in one breast, and some of her lymph nodes. She is in the tail end of a six-week-long radiation treatment, which is to be followed by five years of tamoxifen. She’s 36, and the doctor says that the reason they want to do such aggressive treatment is exactly because she’s so young – they want to make sure it doesn’t recur. All in all, I gather that hers seems to be a pretty successful case, as breast cancer cases go. I have every confidence that the doctor is doing what needs to be done. I am writing this post not because I am concerned for her life or her health, but because I am concerned about our marriage. To be blunt, I am afraid that I won’t be able to resume a normal sexual life with her because I am having a hard time with her changed appearance since her surgery. Her breast has big scars and is misshapen due to the tissue removal, and at present the whole area is also all bruised up and discolored from the radiation treatment. When I see her this way it is very hard for me to feel physical desire. I have never been good with blood or surgical procedures, and seeing her scarred breast actually makes me a little queasy. I love her dearly – we have been married more than 10 years and have three children together. She is everything to me. I feel so ashamed and angry at myself for not being able to get past her appearance. And I know that this isn’t even a really bad situation – I know people who are much worse off, and I feel guilty about whining over a relatively minor thing. But I can’t help it, this is how I feel. I hate it. I don’t know what to do, how to change myself to get over these feelings. Can anyone offer any advice? I sure need some.
Response:
Posted in Wilms Tumor | 
No Comments » |
